Jenny and Eric Ellard having their cake and eating it too! They look so young. One thing I really don't care for too much is the horrible custom, in my opinion, of shoving the piece of cake into each others mouths. They look so romantic with their arms laced together as they seemingly are going to share a small piece of cake, which by the way someone probably paid a hefty price for, and then out of nowhere, WHAM! they try to suddenly shove the piece down each other's throats!
Who thought this idea up? "Let's start them off by instigating a brawl so we can see how they are going to handle unexpected crisis."
Was it the mother in law who told her little boy, 'Now, son, when it comes to giving her a piece of cake you just cram it in her face. That's what she gets for stealing by baby!'?
Or maybe was it the father of the bride who told his little girl to smack him in the face so he knows what he's gotten into?
All I know is what was a beautifully romantic moment turned into the Three Stooges. Oh, well so much for dumb wedding customs.
I have a whole list of this stuff. Sad isn't it? Married life is like that sometimes. Everything is going beautifully and out of nowhere, WHAM! It's how we deal with the situation after the big WHAMO that matters.
How do you deal with unexpected crisis in your marriage?
By the way, it would be much more fun for the guests if we were allowed to start throwing a piece of cake too. Now there's an idea!
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11 comments:
Jenny you guys looks so nice and happy!
I think Jonathon and I handle crisis pretty well. If it is real bad I may cry for a day, then I am fine and try to figure out the solution according to the bible. Jonathon freaks out for a couple of hours, then goes for a walk and we talk it through. I must say we are a pretty good team. We rarely yell at each other if were mad. When we disagree, we come to some sort of agreement that is suitable for both of us.
Chenoa, how encouraging it is to know the Lord is first in your marriage. I want to validate that crying has many good qualities to it. Crying of any kind is emotionally healing. It has a way of releasing the burdens of the soul, letting harmful stresses out of the body, it brings about a spiritual humility and openness to being in God's presence, it allows joy to return, crying breaks down walls because all of humankind understands the release of tears. I applaud you. It is also good that Jonathan and you realize how he deals with the emotions of crisis. Some spouses may receive one spouse going for a walk to calm down as walking out on them in time of need. Praise God that you both have an understanding of each other's reactions.
Well, this is a very broad topic. I usually work well with specifics and not generalities, I'll give it a shot though =D
The Lord has helped me to be much better in reacting to crisis. At one time I was a very emotional responder and would react solely out of emotion, which there is a time and a place for depending on the situation. A book that the Lord used to help me is called "How to Manage Your Emotions," by noted Christian Pastor, Author, and Teacher, Dr. Joyce Meyer. I was always in the habit of making emotional, impulsive decisions in time of crisis. This book through a situation in my life really helped me be free from that cycle. It retrained my mindset through deeper faith and dependence upon God. I am not now an automaton (robot) by any means. I have learned to better live my emotions through the filter of the Holy Spirit and His leading. I am still in tune with my emotions, very much so, probably a lot clearer than in the past. They just don't have that strong pull on my life as in years past.
Now after saying all of that, Lana and I are pretty much in tune with each other's response styles. That's not to say my heart is not pounding outside of my body if she's in the emergency room for something. I place the situation in the hands of the Lord even while I may be crying..... I can only recall one instance where I spent the night on the couch because she was mad at me for something. Guys, get this, even though I was right in the situation, and I peacefully but not forcefully made my points, I gave up my right to be right for the sake of our marriage and so the Lord would be free to speak to Lana in His way and in His time.... I have learned the discipline of not commenting out of frustration the horrible words "whatever you say dear." That just keeps the emotional anger fires burning. Gives the enemy more room to maneuver in the heart and mind of the more emotional responder. It took me a long time to learn that and I'm still not now, while I'm on this planet, perfect. I have learned through trial an error when I want to say, "whatever you say dear," is in that instant (second or minutes may pass before I respond) is to search my heart for the motive behind why I want to say that. Once the motive is found I ask myself, "is this a helpful response or a selfish harmful one?" The next question I ask the Holy Spirit is, "Lord, how can I help my wife right now?" If this takes 30 seconds or 3 minutes, that's fine. Silence is good as long as it is productive and it has a healing affect to it. Couples must learn to be comfortable with silence in crisis conversations. Perhaps God is doing something during the silence.... Anyway after I ask the Lord how to help my wife, I follow her lead until the Lord opens a door for me to minister to her. That could be just holding her hand in an emergency room, using the timely gift of humor to lessen the stress of an event, crying out in prayer to the Lord together with her, asking for forgiveness if I've blown it, humbling myself even if I'm right, taking a walk to pray through what's going on before I respond, helping to slow both our breathing down if we're both getting emotionally spent, holding her as if she was the most priceless thing on earth to bring her comfort and security even if I'm not feeling capable of providing all that at the time. Sorry I couldn't be more specific with the thoughtful question provided. I hope this is helpful to someone.
By the way, we hope to be able to visit you all this coming Sunday. We will be in town again scoping out the land, like Joshua and Caleb :-D
When we first got married there was a lot of yelling and threats to leave and that was mostly me. Lupe has always joked and said that the reason he moved me away from my family was so that it would be harder for me to leave he would continue to say that there is no way I would drive through Houston on my own so I would probably just circle the block, calm down, and come home ( we lived in Humble). He was right. We now don't have those screaming matches anymore--Praise God!!! We will be married 10 years in October and we have learned to pray it out.
Olga
Jenny darling...you still look the same...lovely! :)
What great responses from all of you. Frank...Are you a real live man? Just kidding..but you do sound like a dream of a husband. I am going to show my spouse your reply and show him there is a better way of communicating when we disagree.
I would love to hear from Lana. It seems that she would know a thing or two worth hearing :)
Perhaps in time Lana will blog, as of right now she is working hard to help us save for our big move to Texas. She'll have plenty to share about our marriage, especially that I make a LOT of mistakes and sometimes I lose it big time. I'm no where near the perfect husband. ;-}
I love these chats its so nice to hear how everyone else deals with crisis.
So after 29 years of marriage Veronica and I have an occasional tif but they are now minor. One of the things we learned abut each other is that we sometimes just need to vent.
We aren't looking for a fight but simply just blowing off some steam. It actually helps if you just go ahead and say, "Hey, I just need to vent a little and if I can't vent with you then who?" Sometimes we come home frustrated from work or church and we just need to get something off our chest.
We know that we can trust each other with our true feelings no matter what they are. We are each other's sounding board. We simply listen to each other when one needs to vent or let off some steam knowing that it's not a personal thing but rather a coping skill.
Here are some tips:
1. Know when your spouse just wants to vent.
2. Never make personal attacks or derogatory statements.
3. You may disapprove of the action or words but never of the person.
4. Give them some space to themselves.
5. Verbal and/or physical abuse is NEVER an acceptable form of communication.
6. Don't put off making up until the next day. Do it quickly.
7. Saying "I'm sorry" really does help even if it wasn't your fault.
Just a few things I've picked up on the journey.
Pastor Dan
Great tips you've picked up along life's journey Pastor Dan.
Amin and I have our differences but in the end we usually come to an understanding or compromise. I'd like to say I am better at letting him call the shots and make the decisions for our family. He really is my best friend and I love him dearly.
One of the things that I try to remember when Eric and I have a conflict is that he is not my enemy. He is my husband, my beloved. For the first 6 years of our marriage, I was not saved. The last 10 years I have been saved and God has helped me when we have conflict. I have learned to go to God first for guidance and help. I've learned to listen and really hear what my husband is saying. I've learned not to interrupt and I've learned to forgive. I have also learned that I hate fighting with my husband. Forgiving has become a lot easier when I realized how much I have been forgiven. It also helps that he(Eric)is easy on the eyes. ;)
Those tips should be framed and given to every newly married couple. I couldn't have said them any better. With age always comes wisdom. Mike and I are so close now that we even finish each others thoughts. Scary huh? Bless U, Susan
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